Breaking the cycle

What hurts more?

Being hurt by a narcissist?

Or realizing that you’ve become selfish and hurt others like one?

In my opinion it hurts more to admit that I am indeed a selfish person.

I started letting my world revolve around me me me me me

MY problems were greater than yours his and whoever else is in this world.

The childhood trauma that put me into fight mode helped justify that “I’m just looking out for myself.”

All my feelings were never felt before, didn’t you know?

I invented depression. Lol

What hurts the most is knowing the pain I felt wounded me so bad that it felt like God did not even understand.

And if he did, why didn’t he help my relationship?

Me me me me me

Here I am admitting that I was selfish

Sitting with a broken heart and being told I had done wrong made me callus.

Unbearable to others.

Bitter

Mean

Self-centered

I wanted to talk about my life but take NO advice.

Why God? I would think to myself.

Narcissistic habits started to build…

It hurts to admit that it hurts.

I hurt people when hurting.

All of my battels were one sided, everyone was an idiot.

Because if I was being called one, then everyone else had to be one too.

I am sorry to my family, especially my mom.

I am sorry to my friends.

The pain was never you. It was me.

My selfish feelings should not have been projected onto you all.

Thank you for waiting for me to grow.

I am cleaning up the burnt bridges and pulling the weeds and dead plants from my garden.

I will never be perfect.

But I can try to be my best self.

I am sorry.

I love you all.

Bridges will be built, gardens will be watered and supported.

I will be a selfless loving daughter, sister, and friend.

This will not happen overnight.

There are things that take time.

Like waiting to speak, instead of thinking my words are more important than yours, or my pain is more painful.

I am here. Not to make myself feel better, no I’m here to give the love and affection to my loved ones who are MORE than deserving of.

Baby steps….

That’s life, you may go through something or overcome something but you’re still growing everyday even if it’s painful and you must relive or confront trauma.

Cry, then wipe those tears and make minor changes every day. That’s what I’m doing.

Some days I might take a step back and rewind the tape, remind myself what I don’t want to be.

Then changing a part of me that might’ve changed in that moment.

Opening my eyes might take me down but it builds me up at the same time.

Dating a narcissist is painful but looking at who you became while dating one is more painful.

Its clean up time

It’s time to make amends.

It is time to grow.